Thoughts on surviving

For people who have been close to me in the old world, my blog is difficult to read, although some of them even are interested in my historical witching novel that will hopefully be written out of all this one day.At first, I thought this hesitation to read my blog posts might be caused by

A tale that has to belong into this world

I am barely a person anymore, because I‘ve been vibrating too much on that last frequency, so that no light would ever break itself on my shape. During the last year, I have said these words very often. I felt as if all the things that had once made me a person did not belong

A hole to be safe in

I want this soul to stop leaking.I want it to stop drowning while carrying the weight of all the worlds that have died.I want it to take a deep breath and feel the sun once more.I want it to stop existing for words never spoken and things never felt. „Whenever I try to make it

What do witches dream for?

„If witching dreams are really about closing my eyes and imagining things just to feel them once more, they still make me sad“, I tell my witch. „A minute of escape, but no real relief. But if they are all about pleading with the universe and convincing it to bend the rules, then witching dreams

Ice cream and wine in Dystopia

I am having ice cream and wine because I have had both in one of the happiest nights of my life.I did not know it back then. I thought the world would always be there and I had just figured out my personal relationship to things that just were and were good the way they

A year later

It has been a year. Since my whole blog was set up to trick my mind into any other activity than hurting me constantly while surviving the gray months or years of the pandemic, I thought about writing something for this weird anniversary, but also was not sure about it being too much, maybe. Today

Tale about witchcraft

Another night following a glowing evening in spring.We are sitting on my kitchen floor.No ice cream, this time.„Layla, I have been screaming too loud, lately“, I say to my witch. „It‘s your turn, now.“„My turn?“„Yes, this is your story, after all“, I remind both of us. Layla grins her witching grin. „That‘s right“, she says

About memories

I remember how simply having all my memories could make me happy. I could easily convince myself once that things ending was not too sad, as long as they had been lived.When I was 23 and told this my 49 years old lover, he almost was personally insulted by the kind of strength that I

Spring, again.

Spring could be so pretty, it always made me sad. When the early sunrise was pink again, and the sun began to shine very careful after all these dark months. „I wish time would stop being linear“, I say to my witch. It was almost too warm to wear my boots, but only almost. I

Dystopia in February

„Living as a human being is over.“Thoughts arrive before the feeling.They happen and don‘t feel so bad at first, but are the first step of drowning in despair.I understood that just now, that I can think pain before it really arrives. „You say you‘re dead inside“, my witch says while skeptically eyeing the piece of

“I envy the dead.”

„I envy the dead“, I say to my witch as we open up another bottle of wine. „I think they are better off.“ My witch does not respond. „And you know, ever since I have also lost someone in this pandemic, I feel like I am entitled to say so.“ Layla just nods, while fighting

A shrine or a graveyard?

„I‘m a witch, so I have options“, I say while eating the cake that I have mad just for myself. „I can either build up a shrine for my old life and things which I once believed in, or else I burn everything and accept that this part of me has died.“„Those are the only

Just some dystopian spiraling thoughts

„You will not give up, yet“, a friend of mine tells me whenever I am really mad at the universe. „You have too much fighting energy left.“ And I tell him about being ready to dig my own grave for one last kiss. „Okay, I will not give up on you, little one“, he corrects

Walking through Dystopia

This one is about me and my witch walking through Dystopia. Or walking away from it? One of those odd things that I started during the first lockdown and have not given up yet are daily walks for 2-3 hours. They led out of the city and into forests and fields, between haunted houses, cows

Do you remember the last time?

Now that nothingness is taking over again, and at least where Layla and I live we are all sworn into facing the hardest months of the pandemic just now, I wonder how many last times of things I remember. Let‘s start with this one:The last time my friends forced me to sing karaoke with them.

Fragility

I am still thinking about why this year has been so tough on me. Tough enough for witching wine nights and starting to blog about them. To understand that, I have to look a few years back, when I had moved away from everyone I had ever known and attended university. I was full of

The perfect year for witching

„I used to have those yellow lights in my windows, too“, I say to my witch as we take a walk late at night and find our haunted houses on the way decorated with beautiful Christmas lights. „But of course I hate these things from now on.“„Sure.“ I had to admit that this December night

Dystopia in December

Earlier this year, I had wondered what it must have been like to live in one of those places where the first wave of the pandemic hit really hard. Although even then it had not been that far away, at least not personally, I had thought that it might be different to have this disaster

Why I summoned my witch

„Every family has an odd one“, my witch said as I posed in front of the mirror while wearing my new mask that matched the brand new underwear that I had bought. „My hair had always been the brightest and the curliest.“ In our very first wine nights, we had already discussed where Layla had

Isolation call

Today, I called different people, because I really just needed to call someone and hear another person‘s voice and feel a little less alone. I called my grandmother, because her birthday was last sunday and she did not pick up the phone by then (can old people please stop doing this while a virus is

Dystopia goes on

I am sitting on the couch and I can‘t move. My feet are wet and dry socks are just two steps away from me. But I don‘t want to move, because once I‘ve moved, I would also have to bring the laundry into the basement and put it up to dry, and also get the

These empty months

Nights grew longer, and lights began to shine and twinkle and burn as they only ever did when autumn arrived. My witch and I were thinking about how all these empty months had been, and how even they had been filled with things, just not the things that had been expected. Not with certain words

Of women and needles

„We‘re angry with the universe, again?“ It was a warm day at the end of July, and Layla was combing my hair. „I loved being alive“, I answered. „I loved being alive enough to hate existing right now.“ Layla had picked a red lace top for me to wear. I had decided to combine it

Dreaming of witchcraft

I had to think about the daydreams that Layla had brought into my life. To those musings that energize, that cast feelings, give wings to fly.That make the skin feel softer, enlightened.In those empty days, they were everywhere.They where the last thing I thought about at night. And the first thoughts in the morning.They were

A little addictive

Ice cream. I scream. Basecally the same thing, these nights. It was not always wine. Sometimes, Layla needed Ice cream. Ice cream tasted better at 4 AM, especially after getting lost on a field in the dark and having a really uncomfortable encounter with the farmer who owned that particular field. “What is he even

Dreams against nothing

But what do daydreams really mean? April had seemed like an eternity, and suddenly it was almost May. The first nights had kept their summer heat, potatoes and strawberries were planted … Oh, and face masks were starting to get obligatory in public. Oh shit, it‘s already May. We‘ve lost our spirit of life in

Sweet survival

I summoned Layla to survive. To survive the darkness. The night. The longest night that I‘ve ever had to survive. A night that has not ended, yet. And while I am typing, new aspects of this night are taking over me. My head, the depth of my chest, and so I put them onto the

And what did the universe say?

„And what did the universe say?“ Sometimes I wanted to answer this with „Nothing so far.“There was a lot of silence, a lot of opportunities having gone to dust, these days. But then again, there is something. There is the wind, and the highway on the other end of the field. There is the smell

The dark kind of fun

There are a lot of things to tell about Layla. Sometimes, my witch is not easy to take. „You know what?“, she exclaimed in one of her first nights in my kitchen. „Why don’t you just leave your ID here at home. No one will know how far from home we are and that‘s it.“It

What keeps Layla awake

Daily life was a song to Layla. It was a melody taking over something deep inside. But what does that mean? When asking her, Layla opens up another bottle of wine and takes a gulp. Then she laughs about my concerned expression. „I couldn‘t care less“, she would say and her red hair would fly