„And what did the universe say?“
Sometimes I wanted to answer this with „Nothing so far.“
There was a lot of silence, a lot of opportunities having gone to dust, these days.
But then again, there is something.
There is the wind, and the highway on the other end of the field.
There is the smell of rain, and the light of the full moon.
There is the spinning inside my head, and the echo of the wine on my tongue.
There is the song stuck in my head, my chest, The song that my soul decided to vibrate on as a constant frequency.
„It is still there“, I answered Layla‘s question.
Another sip of wine.
A deep breath.
Being filled with the scent of summer rain.
Summer? It wasonly April.
It was a warm night in April. I had burrowed one of Layla‘s long skirts, and together we were sitting on the field.
It was a night so warm, it felt as if the air was glowing, was twinkling.
Maybe the wine helped a little.
„But right now, it is not in the right mood to display the things that we are wishing for“, I added and longed for the bottle placed between us.
She knew what I was talking about.
„When I was in love for the very first time, we secretly met outside the town, and found the stake ready to burn something“, Layla whispered as I drank. „It did not scare me, back then. It had always been there. It had not carried someone to death for years. We had been well for years.“ Now she longed for the bottle of wine still in my hands. „But then it changed. It was if the ground beneath my feet suddenly was not able to carry the joys of the world anymore, but only the horrors.“
I could relate to the feeling. The feeling of existing in a very different world from one day to the other. Or even from one minute to the other.
„You survived“, I said after a while.
„Against all odds!“, Layla yelled onto the sky.
Against all odds.
„Life is against all odds“, I picked up that thought. „It‘s a constant struggle to keep the little things from drifting apart, until one day, they do.“ I got up. „And still, we are here.“
I felt the wind in my hair, and so I spread my arms. Everything was turning, my tongue felt loose enough to kiss whoever crossed my way next. Seriously, this being such a risk is just mean!
But still, there we were. In the mild wind of a way too warm day in April. Arms spread.
The universe all around us.
It was still there.
The universe. The mild breeze. The wind, arms to spread. The stars, the lights of the highway, the rushing of the traffic in the distance. The field, the grass, the corn. It was still there. The wine, the spinning. Some things were still there. Oh, and the moonlight. The moonlight was still there, and being completely drunk and having starred at the wallpaper in my kitchen way to long before, those few things meant more than the whole world to me.
So I screamed.
But this time, I did not scream anything. I did not make sense.
I just screamed into the mild breeze and the moonlight.
Just a bursting out of my chest.
And what is the best about losing shyness when you are really drunk? There is a chance that you will be sober again, but the shyness will not come back.
This was one of those nights. This happened. Until today, it is way too easy for me to step onto a field at night, spread my arms and scream … or sing. Or, in perfect nights, a combination of both.
It feels too good. I will never forget that.
Layla had gotten up as well.
„The universe is still there“, she repeated, her voice, full of a memory that I was too scared to ask her about, casting mysterious shadows.
„So, someday it is going to heal, right?“, I said, already feeling tears crawling up my throat. „Someday life will be back. Someday, it will display the life, the joy, the passion, the dreams, again, right?“ I hesitated. „Someday, we will be back, right? Someday, the universe will still be that place in which he will be back and will be okay, right?“
Layla‘s hands had found their way around my shoulders, and she was holding me. „That‘s right“, she was breathing into my right ear.
„There is still hope right?“, I continued, and now I felt her lips right on my ear.
The world was on hold, but still was a stage to display two girls fallen out of time ready to make love within a field … Maybe there really was hope, after all.
Later that night, when after screaming, drinking, and rolling back home, I had found my way into my bed, I had another thought.
It was not a happy thought, but somehow, I was still the closest thing to happy that I had felt in a long time.
Hope was not about anything that I had screamed into darkness, becoming true.
Hope existed, because all of these things carry painful uncertainty.
Hope was just the achievement to numb the pain for a little while, so that the world can go on, and some day display another, a better side of life.
Whichever that will be …