Maybe it is a flickering at the horizon, or the lack of colours in the world. It can be a drumming in the distance making your cup of coffee spill over the edge. Either way, it does not seem easy to miss once Dystopia opens its eyes and sheds its light onto your world.
„And yet we did“, my witch giggles in the back of my head and I frown.
Sometimes, it just takes a while to process information. The universe is chaos, with so many patterns to be seen and dismissed. How to know which one to pursuit?
Late in 2020, I wrote about something I myself should have read twice.
To avoid what was next? To at least understand it better? Maybe both?
All I know is that I was sitting in my small, one-room-apartment that had not been set up for spending months in there all on my own, and I was confused. I was confused about the independent and freedom loving person I had been until then. I felt as if I was not as strong as I had always thought and I felt lost and lonely.
So, I was writing about the loneliness of witching. About how heartbreaking it was were desperate souls went in their darkest moments.
I should have watched out better where I was going.
„So, you were looking right at it, but did not realize once it hit you directly?“, my witch giggles as she steals the cookie from my hand.
„Yes, because I was standing beside myself constantly.“
My witch shrugs with a warm smile.
She knows that too well.
When I wrote that blog post three years ago, I realized that in times of crisis we tend to put our trust in the wrong ones. In times of losses and unbearable emotions, we tend to turn to those selling rats and frog legs in a dark corner, in an attempt to hold on to some hope.
„I never saw the frog legs dangling from your ceiling“, my witch teases me and I blush.
„These things tend to be more subtle nowadays.“
At least sometimes. Or, when I put my trust in the wrong person.
What I actually did back then was moving in with a friend, who belonged to an old circle of friends. I had had enough of being alone, I questioned my strength and my independence, and so I gave it all up. I moved in with thew weirdest person I knew, in the hope of maybe starting my own 10 seasons of friends. And while I was doing this, I wrote about the trap I was falling into, because in these difficult times, we do not always see clearly. I should have held on to my freedom and my strength much more. I should have hesitated. I should have asked the former roommate why they left, or maybe talked to the soon-to-be ex girlfriend what was going on. What eventually made me leave and start confusing months of couch-serving and struggling to decide how to proceed with my living situation as well as my friendship was when that friend tried to self-diagnose me with a very specific mental illness he also self-diagnosed himseld with to justify for serious crimes, as well as him gaslighting me into believing I drank much more bottles of wine than I actually did.
In my weekest moment, I was warped into foul play, and I noticed just in time to get out of there before it was too late.
But still.
While I noticed that times of crisis are rarely those of great decision making, I stumbled into disaster.
„So, are you saying, it was your demon?“, my witch asks me and I stare at her for a moment, as she sits down on the windows sill with a chocolate. „Using you to do shit it could not have done on its own and breaking your heart in the process?“
I swallow heavily. „At least they tried.“
What is the point of this?
Maybe it‘s that in difficult times we have to especially look out for ourselves, because we are more vulnerable and insecure about things we do not need to be.
Maybe it‘s about the chances of recognizing Dystopia. I wrote about the trap I was stepping into. I noticed it was there and still did not recognize it.
Staring into Dystopia‘s eyes is so much to take, it can take time to process all the information.
When the world gets dark, some ramblings in the back of the head can hold the most truth at all. This does not make it any easier to keep yourself together.
Mistress witch writes 