„Is it called eye shadow, because you use it to paint extra shadows under your eyes?“, my witch asks as I blink into the mirror and the upper eyelid, the under one as well as my cheeks are sparkling in silver. Still sparkling, but also looking ill.
Looking like no decent sleep for a while.
Like a small headache knocking somewhere in the back of the head.
Like no appetite left.
„I am so bad at being normal, why look it?“
Recently, I was wondering where my fear of doing normal things actually comes from. And no, I do not mean a fear of not being special enough or not getting enough attention-
Well, to be totally honest, that is an issue as well.
But not the right one for tonight.
What I was thinking about is the fear of doing the things people usually do in life. Joining in the activities that usually connect us to other humans.
Having a nice hobby.
Doing sport.
Building a career.
Starting a family.
Buying a house and a car.
Taking a nice vacation.
Visiting the family to tell them about these things.
I was wondering why it makes me so sick to join into these normal human activity.
„What is so terrifying about being human?“, I ask my witch as I consider whether to leave the house like a sparkling dead face or not.
„Am I really the right person to ask about this?“, Layla responds as the girl that has been visited and loved by demons for centuries already, and I have to agree.
I did not choose the right company for this conversation, but it’s not like I’ve had much of a choice recently.
When I think of doing all of these normal things. I can feel my body cramping. All my muscles start colliding and suddenly I don‘t like to think about the future at all. Suddenly, the future looks like nothing but a collection of traps to fall into and find myself immobilized.
I think of everything I can do wrong.
I think of standing in front of a group of people and not getting a word out instead of finding friends.
I think of not being good enough to get a job.
I think of how likely it may be for me to be infertile.
I think of losing my job and not being able to afford the home I liked so much any longer.
I think of presenting all of these terrible things to a family that wishes to have something nice to talk about.
„Do you simply hate being human because you feel as if you‘re not good at it?“, my witch asks and rolls her eyes, ready to receive some glitter. „I can tell you that learning spells can be easily messed up as well.“
Is that the case? Am I just scared of not being good enough?
„I mean“, Layla interrupts my thoughts and obviously enjoys her sparkles, as she poses in front of the mirror. „Not that I was any better than you. I was in a constant fight with my body and so sad when I found out that I would probably not survive this piece of flesh.“ And she giggles again.
That could be it, I have to admit. Simply the fear of not being good enough. Of not reaching those goals and never being the positive thing for others to talk about. Never experiencing fulfillment. Never achieving your goals, or experiencing certain emotional stages …
Never finding the job you‘re good at. Never having children. Not having enough friends.
But I honestly think, there also is another reason.
„What if I want to do these other things“, I respond to my witch patiently, as I let her sparkle with glitter as much as I can. „What if I would not enjoy most of these things humans usually do.“
„But at the same time, you fear where that leaves you“, my witch adds.
How can two sparkly girls be so broken?
Honestly, I don‘t know what I want from my future at this point. I have lost all family I ever got along with in the recent years and also had to let go of many friends for some heartbreaking reasons. At this point, I wonder who will still be there in 10 years to celebrate something like Christmas with me, or to notice when I am gone (I sound so old and I am not even 30).
And I don‘t know where that leaves me.
But the pressure of being as normal as possible, of having a career and starting a family and such things does not make it easier.
What if I feel lonely and still don‘t feel committed to these things? How can I even reach out to the people that are still left if I don’t have any of these normal things to tell? Most things about my life are so special, I have to do a lot of explaining whenever I present myself to people and then it is kind of disappointing that I don’t have a job they know something about and don’t plan on having children too soon (if at all). I am a thing that does not make sense, but I also don’t want to do the things that make sense.
Maybe sometimes I think that I am not good enough.
Maybe many of these things really just don’t work for a person like me.
This position is very lonely, and I don’t know how to change it.
Lately, I don‘t know where my place in this world could ever be.
So, we will just be sparkling and cute, to let the time pass.
“Cheers.”
Mistress witch writes 